Canadian WinterWonderLand

 

8. December, 6 p.m.

It has been starting to snow. The first snow of the season. My wife and I had a cocktail while sitting near the window for hours, and watching those big white snow flakes coming out of the sky. How romantic – we felt like just married.  I love snow.

 

9. December

This morning we found the whole landscape covered by a wonderful white blanket of snow. What a great view! Is there a more admireable place in the world than this one? To move over here was the very best idea I’ve ever had. I shoveled snow – for the first time since years. And I felt like being a little boy again.
I cleared  the driveway and the sidewalk. In the afternoon the snowplough passed by, and pushed all the snow back on the driveway, and the sidewalk. So I went outside for shoveling again. What a wonderful  life!

 

12. December

The sun has melted away all the snow. How sad. My neighbour Bob told me, not to worry about too much. The wheather forecast promised a white Christmas. No snow for Christmas would be too bad! Bob said, we will have so much snow by years end, that I never want to see any snow again. I do not believe, that this is going to happen. Bob is very kind. I am glad he lives in our neighbourhood.

 

14. December

Snow – Snow – lovely snow! 1 foot last night. The temperature went down to minus 20°C.

The cold makes everything glitter. The wind took my breath away, but I had a nice warm-up by shoveling snow. Oh what a life! In the afternoon the snowplough came back. I did not believe that I’d  had to shovel this much, but it is an excellent exercise.

 

15. December

Forecast says 2 feet. Have sold my sports car, and have bought a 4x4.  And winter tires for the car of my wife, and 2 snow shovels in addition. Further I have filled the fridge. My wife wants a wood stove in case the power gets cut off. How silly – this is not the Yukon!

 

16. December

We had an icy storm this morning. I wanted to distribute some salt on the drive way, and fell on my ass. It still hurts badly. My wife laughed for more than one hour. I find that very cruel !

 

17. December

Temperature is still far under zero. The streets are too icey to go anywhere. The power had been gone for 5 hours. We had to wrap ourselves in blankets for not freezing to death. No TV. Nothing else to do than staring at my wife, and trying to confuse  her. I think we should have bought that wood stove, but I would not say that aloud… I hate it when my wife is right and I am wrong. I hate it to become as frozen
as a package of chicken wings at Over-Weight-Tea's in my own living room.

  

20. December

Good news: the power is back. Bad news: another 1,5 feet of this damned white stuff last night. That means more shoveling than ever. Took me the whole day. Tried to make the kids in the neighborhood to do some shoveling for me. But they are too busy – they have to play Hockey. I believe they lie. Wanted to buy a snowblower. But they are sold. They told me that they won’t get some more before March. I believe they lie. My neighbour Bob told me, that I must keep the sidewalk free of snow. Otherwise the community cleans it up, and charges me for. I believe that Bob lies…

 

22. December

Bob was right with his forecast about the white Christmas. We’ve got another foot of snow last night and it's so very cold, that I’m afraid it won’t melt before next August. It took me 45 minutes to get dressed warm enough to go outside. When I finally was ready to leave, I needed to pee…

After I had taken off all the clothes again, have been to the toilet, have got dressed again, I was too exhausted to shovel any snow at all. I tried to hire Bob for he has a snowblower on his truck. But he told me he’d be too busy to work for me.

I believe that this f... lies!

 

23. December

Only 4 inches of snow today. And the temperature increased up to zero. My wife asked me to decorate the house today. She must be crazy. I am much too busy for that, I have to shovel snow! Why didn’t she tell me one month ago? She says that she did so, but I believe that she lies.

 

24. December

8 inches. The snow has been pushed so hardly aside by the snowplough, that I broke my shovel today. I thought I’d get a heart attack.  If  I ever get hold of that snowplough driving asshole,  I’ll haul him through town by his nuts! I do know that he uses to hide around the corner, waiting until I’m finished with shoveling. Then he comes down the street in his snowplough at 150 km/h and pushes tons of snow exactly onto the spot I’ve cleaned for hours!
Tonight my wife wants to sing Christmas Carols and exchange presents. But I am too busy,
have to keep watch  for the snowplough…


 

25. December

Merry Christmas! Two more feet! The thought about shoveling snow makes by blood boil. Gosh, I hate snow!

The snowplough driver rang our bell for a donation. I smashed my shovel on his head. My wife complaint about my behavior. She’s an idiot. And if I have to listen to Garth Brooks once again, I’ll kill her !

 

26. December

Snow all around the house. Snow beyond the main door. Why the hell did I move to here?
It was  HER idea!

 

27. December

The temperature lowered down to minus 30.  The water pipes are frozen.

 

28. Dec ember

It warmed up to minus 5°C. There’s still snow all around the house.

THIS BITCH IS DRIVING ME CRAZY !

 

29. December

Another foot. Bob tells me to take the snow from the roof. Otherwise it will break down. This is the most  stupid advice I’ve ever heard. Does he think I’m born yesterday?

 

30. D ecember

The roof broke down. The snowplough driver claims for 50,000.00 $. My wife left me for her mother.
8.5 inches forecasted.

 

31. December

I’ve burnt the house down. Never ever shoveling snow again… !

 

8. January

I am doing fine. I love those little pills they use to give me all the time.
But why did they bind me to the bed?

 

 

THE END